How I Learned the Secret to Easily Connecting with People (Part 1)

I always believed that you should treat people the way you would want to be treated. Many years ago something happened which made me reconsider the golden rule.

I was the general manager of a large sales organization. One evening shortly after everyone was back from their appointments, the boss called me in to his office.

“Ted, call an emergency sales meeting. Sales were terrible tonight. Get everyone in the training room and  go in there and grind them.” A grind was where the  boss yells at everyone telling them what a loser they are and that they had better start selling or they would be out of a job.  Surprisingly, this was not uncommon for many sales organizations of the “old school”. (Ever seen Glengarry Glen Ross? Check out Alec Baldwin’s performance on You Tube. Warning: not for the squeamish!)

I had never done a grind session. Being somewhat of a laid back, mellow sort of fellow, I really don’t like yelling at people, prefering to calmly resolve issues over a cup of green tea. Nevertheless, I had been given an order, so when all the salespeople were assembled, I went in there and did my best  to act upset, raising my voice, letting them know that the boss was furious and was getting ready to fire a whole lot of people, and you call yourselves salespeople?, and if you don’t get it together you’ll be searching the want ads,etc, etc.

Anyway, this one young women in the front row, Stacey, started talking back in the middle of my grind session. If there was anyone that was not going to cooperate and listen obediently while I ripped them a new one, it was going to be Stacey, who had a very strong personality and was know to be…well.. uncooperative. “The leads are junk! she snorted. “We should be doing this… and whaddya mean we should be doing that? You should be doing this, that and the other! And I think we should….”

For crying out loud! I was having a tough enough time doing this grind thing when someone had the impudence to make it even more difficult! I admit, I lost my temper for real and shouted at the top of my voice “Who do you think you are??!! If you don’t like it, get outta here! Don’t forget, YOU WORK FOR ME!! For effect I knocked over a chair.

You could’ve heard a pin drop. I noticed some guys in the back giving me the thumbs up signal. Stacy was quiet for once. I talked a little more then everyone went home. I felt bad, even ashamed. This was not me.

The next day, one of the thumbs up guys came up to me and said “About time someone put her in her place! She thinks she knows everything!” That didn’t make me feel any better. I really didn’t expect Stacey to come to work, but she did and headed right for my office. “Can I talk to you?” she asked. “Um, sure, come in”, I said, feeling a knot of anxiety in my stomach. At that time in my life, I did everything to avoid confrontation.

“I’m sorry I mouthed off to you. I really needed to be talked to like that. I know I’m not trying hard enough. I like this job. Thanks  for setting me straight.” 

I was almost speechless. “Um..no problem’ I stammered.

I thought about that exchange long  and hard. I had always felt Stacy didn’t respect me. Now she was thanking me for  “putting her in her place”.   And then it occured to me: that’s how Stacey wanted to be treated. She couldn’t respect anyone that was was diplomatic, tactful or easygoing; she saw that as wimpy. She liked and respected people just like herself: blunt, and strong. I had always believed that you should treat people the way you want to be treated.  I think a better philosophy is “Treat others the way they want to be treated.” This was a revelation to me.

I’m not suggesting that you should yell at people; just consider that how you like to be treated is not how others like to be treated. Figuring out what different people respond to allows you to connect with them on a level they’re comfortable with.

Later in life I learned a more elegent word for this:  ”rapport”. Dealing with people in a way that makes them feel that you are like them and that you get them. Having good rapport skills is the key to easily connecting with people.

Next week, I’ll talk about some really good tips to establish rapport and help you connect with other people easily.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

Tman

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

Is Your Job or Business a Path with a Heart? If Not, I Can Help.

 Thinking of changing your profession or business? Maybe you’re one of those who is forced to consider such a change because you no longer have a job. I know at least one person who was glad that she was laid off. “God, I hated that job” she said, “but I never had the guts to quit.” Although times are tough for her now, she feels that she can now explore possibilities that interest her. Maybe you lost a job that you love and are looking for another.

The job I have now, being a hypnotherapist and  small business coach,  is the longest job I’ve held, now going on 6 1/2 years and without a doubt, the most fulfilling job I’ve had.  My story is one where  I’ve had a lot of jobs. I used to feel bad about moving from job to job so often, and for not being able to decide about what I wanted to do. Now, I have  acceptance and immense gratitude for my varied life experiences.

In my search for meaningful work, I have sold books door to door. I’ve cleaned up horse poop in stables. I have herded cattle in Montana. I’ve worked the drive thru window at Wendy’s. I’ve stood in hundred degree heat in dress shirt and tie trying to sell someone a used car. I’ve sold water conditioners, memberships, suits, shirts, ties, shoes. I’ve sat at a desk for 8 hours a day pushing paper around. I’ve worked for a multi- million dollar software corporation doing tech support. But the minute it became clear to me that the only thing the job was going to give me was a paycheck and nothing more, I started thinking about the next job.  I tell you, it wasn’t easy, and there was always a price to be paid.

But what guided me the whole time was something I read when I was in my twenties: “The Lessons of Don Juan, A Yaqui Way of Knowledge” by the late Carlos Castaneda. Say what you want about Castaneda’s 15- book chronicle of his apprenticeship with Don Juan, the extraordinary and powerful Mexican shaman, I found these books to be mesmerizing, beautiful, transcendent and profound.  In this book was a passage  whose  truth shook me to the bone when I read it as a very young man, confused and doubtful about my future. At this risk of making this post too long, here it is:

“Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question.

I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same, they lead nowhere. They are paths going through the bush, or into the bush. “Does this path have a heart?” One makes for a joyful journey and as long as you follow it you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.

The trouble is nobody asks the question: and when a person finally realizes that they have taken a path without a heart, the path is ready to kill them. At that point very few people stop to deliberate and leave the path. A path without a heart is never enjoyable. You have to work hard even to take it. On the other hand, a path with heart is easy; it does not make you work at liking it. The path without a heart will turn against men and destroy them. It does not take much to die and to seek death is to seek nothing.

For my part there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length.

And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly.”

I’ve had a lot of jobs because I have always asked the question “Does this path have a heart?” My greatest fear was to die a spiritual death in a job that sucked the life out of me and gave back nothing in return but green pieces of wrinkled paper. As Jim Rohn says “It’s not what you get in life which is important, it’s what you become.“

If you are thinking about changing a career, business or job because you don’t feel it is a path with a heart, or you are looking for one, then I support and encourage you. If you are not on a path with a heart, then you must get off of that path and try another.  Here are some things to think about.

• You may have a family, bills, responsibilities that don’t give you the luxury of quitting and looking for something else. Got it. Do what you can to be true to yourself. Perhaps a different position, different responsibilities, different location.
• Your path with a heart may not be your full-time job. It might be a part-time hobby or enterprise that your full-time job supports.
• If you have the luxury of trying something else, talk to someone who is doing it. Research it. Read about it. Volunteer to get a feel for the daily life of it.
• Maybe you just need to get a job, any job to keep yourself afloat. You might be saying  ”My God man, my car is going to be repossessed and you’re talking about a path with a heart? I need a path with a big dollar sign!” Fine. Do what you need to do and choose powerfully. But keep looking for that path with a heart while you get back on your feet.
• If what you are doing is not working for you then try something else.  Give it some time. You will know if it’s right for you if you ask the question. There is no shame in leaving, even if you have invested much time or money. This is your life!
•  Maybe your path is supporting a family or an aging parent and your crappy job lets you do that. Only you can say whether or not it’s worth it. Be clear about it and then be strong and do what you need to.

Finding the right path can be difficult and discouraging.  I’d like to help you by offering you the following:

I will  give the first seven  people who contact me a free phone consultation for the purpose of exploring your business or life direction. (Value $125) In addition, I’ll send you my “Finding Your Path”  audio hypnosis recording for free, a value of $32. (If you want it on a CD, there will be a small shipping and handling charge.)  This offer expires March 21 st.

If you find our phone consultation valuable, and I guarantee that you will, we can explore  hypnotherapy or coaching as a way to get you going on your path. Either can done by phone or in person.

I believe that the work that we do gives us a powerful opportunity to express ourselves and to make our own unique contribution. I wish you luck in finding your path.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

Ted

p.s. Opportunity is knocking. I only have time to give 7 people this special offer, so email or call now.

Ted A. Moreno 

Business/Life Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

Hypnosis@TedMoreno.com