How I Learned the Secret to Easily Connecting With People (Part 2)

In last week’s post I tell the story of  how I discovered that not everybody likes to be treated the way I like to be treated. In other words, everybody has their own style of communication, and figuring out what their style of communication is can help you connect with them more easily.

If you’re in a business that involves dealing with people (as are most businesses), then the more people you are able to connect with, the more successful you are going to be. In your personal life, I would suggest that you’ll have happier relationships if you can learn to quickly build mutual trust, understanding and harmony with others.

The word for this is rapport. You have rapport with someone when you feel that you are both “in sync” or “on the same wavelength”. We’ve all had the experience of meeting someone where we felt it didn’t click. We might have felt uncomfortable or even annoyed with this person; we didn’t feel like they “got” us. There was no rapport.

On the other hand, we’ve also had the experience of meeting someone who we immediately liked and felt comfortable with. We had a sense that they were like us, and that we shared a similar view of the world. We can say we had rapport with that person.

Most of my business experience has been in sales. My first sales jobs were door to door, selling books, first in San Jose, then in Virginia. When I started working in Virgina, it didn’t take me long to figure out that these were a whole different breed of folks from the ones in San Jose. The people in San Jose talked faster, and wanted to know right away why I was banging on their door. In southern Virginia, they talked a lot s-l-o-w-e-r and wanted to chat with me a bit longer before  ”gittin’ down to bidness”. I had to adjust my approach accordingly.

Think about how we instinctively try to create rapport in social situations. We begin by asking questions: What do you do, where are you from, etc. We look for common grounds (“what about those Lakers?”) and when we find them we capitalize on that information. (“Did you see that game? How about when…) Much of the rapport building we do is unconscious. We don’t know we are doing it, but we feel good when we have a sense that the other person likes us or that we trust them.

 However, there are techniques that you can use to consciously build rapport with others. Some of these are common sense, others are more in-depth,  falling under the subject of NLP. There are people who feel that using techniques to get people to like you and trust you is manipulative. Surely, there are those that use these techniques only to get what they want. However, let me suggest that  dealing with people in a way that makes them feel comfortable and that creates trust and harmony is simply a good philosophy.

Here’s a few tips for creating rapport easily in any business or personal situation.

• Listen. God gave you two ears and one mouth…Listening is truly a gift that is in short supply these days. You’ll go a long way just by learning to listen to people. Everybody wants to be listened to.
• Remember and use a person’s name. Dale Carnegie said “Remember that a person’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” The best way to remember a person’s name is to say it immediately after you hear it and then to continue to use it in conversation.
• Smile. A smile is a big sign that says “I am warm,  friendly and happy.” People will remember you if you have the habit of smiling.
• Look for common grounds. Seek to find common interests. Family, work, hobbies, education and place of origin are all subjects that people can have in common.
• Seek to be in agreement. It’s tough to establish rapport if you are disagreeing with someone. I’m not suggesting that you agree with something you feel strongly opposed to, but if you are interested in connecting with someone, unless they ask, keep your differing opinions to yourself.

These are all pretty basic things that most of us probably already know. Here are a few things that are more advanced that you’ll learn if you ever study NLP.

• Mirror body language. Very powerful, yet subtle. If you are with someone who uses a lot of hand gestures when they speak, you do the same thing. If they cross their legs, do that. Don’t make it so obvious that it’s apparent what you are doing, try to be discreet.
• Mirror their vocal tonality/speed. If I talk too fast to a southern Virginian, then I’m a “fast talkin’ city slicker”. If I talk too slow to someone from Manhattan, then I’m an “unsophisticated and boring”. Try to match the person’s vocal speed.  If they talk loud, you talk loud. If they are more soft-spoken, then you do the same.
• Use similar language patterns. If someone says to me, “That was really cool!” and I come back with “Indeed, I’m sure that was very nice”, that person is not going to want to talk to me for very long. See if you can notice phrases and  figures of speech that are being used and use them as well.
• Match their breathing. Most people aren’t even aware of this, but it’s one of the most powerful rapport building skills that you can have. Try it sometime and see what happens.  

There’s a few more advanced techniques that are too complex to go into here such as finding out a person’s representational system by observing their eye movements. As an Certified NLP Practitioner, I can help you hone the  skills you need to make friends, or  to influence and connect with people for business success. Mention this blog post and I’ll give you a free 45 minute coaching session the next time you come in for a hypnotherapy session.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

TMan

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

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