How Free Are You?

 I just finished reading “Mans Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. In his book, Frankl describes his  experience as a prisoner in the Nazi death camps during World War II. 

Even though he was  hungry, beaten and humiliated, Frankl realized that he had one freedom that could not be taken away from him: The freedom to choose his thoughts and to create his own experience and what was meaningful about that experience. The meaning he chose to create during his captivity was that he needed to remain alive to tell the world about what had happened.

Frankl made it out of the camps alive and went on to become a successful author. His book went on to sell millions of copies and is considered  a classic. His message gave people hope: even though the body may be enslaved, the mind is free to find potential meaning under even the most miserable circumstances.

As we approach the celebration of our country’s independence day, we acknowledge that we live in a country with freedoms that are sought and valued all around the world. Even so,  the struggle for freedom is ongoing within all of us.

I think it’s important to ask ourselves “How free am I, really?”  To be truly free implies that you can exercise a choice.

However, if I have no choice but to inhale poisonous fumes into my body, then  I’m not really free, I’m a slave to my habit and my addiction.  If I feel that I  can’t control the type or quantity of food I eat, then I am imprisoned by my desires. Am a truly free if I allow my day to be ruined by traffic, a problem with my computer, or not enough foam in my latte, or am I no better than a leaf at the mercy of the wind?

Furthermore, if my goals, dreams and desires are shackled by my own doubt, negativity, and limiting beliefs, than I am in a prison much more effective than any that can be made of brick and steel.

True freedom doesn’t depend on laws or treaties, bars or chains. True freedom is of the mind.  True freedom is having the ability  to choose, powerfully, in any minute, in the face of any situation that may present itself. It is to be able to respond, this is, to be responsible, rather than to react. There is no freedom in reaction.

As a hypnotherapist, I help people free themselves from their own minds. However, it’s not easy to free yourself from your own mind, even with help. Once a belief is in place, people will spend the rest of their lives defending it and trying to prove that it’s right. It might not even matter that the belief might cost them their happiness, their health and even their families. Their beliefs chain them to the life they are living. But beliefs are rarely “true”, they are most often simply just opinions.

Do you really want to be free? Then ask yourself the following questions:

• What do my beliefs do for me? Do they support me in living the life that I want or do they hold me back?
• Where did my beliefs come from? Are they based on my own experience or were they handed down to me?
• If they are based on my own experience, is it the experience of a child? A teenager? A mature adult?
• Are there beliefs that I continue to wear even though I have out grown them, even though they restrict me?
• Do I even know what my beliefs are? Can I articulate them?
• What are the meanings that I attach to the circumstances of my life? Do these meanings empower me or do they imprison me?
• What are the thoughts that I have that hold  me hostage to fear, doubt and anxiety? Am I ready to free myself from them?

You alone are responsible for freeing yourself from whatever is going on in your mind that keeps you from joy, happiness and peace. However, I can help you. If you are truly ready to celebrate your own personal Independence Day, give me a call.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

TMan

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

Things I Learned from My Dad

My dad is a colorful character. At 73, he still works 14 hour days, six days a week. He raised 8 kids (7 boys and a girl), and now has 14 grandkids. He’s been married to my mother for 50 years. 

He bought his first business before he was 25, which he recently sold, and has owned his second business for 35 years. He started his working career as a carpenter. (His middle name is Jesus, I’m not  kidding.) He rebuilt a 1968 Ford Shelby Mustang in his garage and had a stint as a professional singer (in both English and Spanish). He survived  a quintuple bypass heart operation.  I’ve heard him listen to music from  Billy Idol to Rimsky-Korsakov. He has a garden of which he is very proud of as well as a fish pond that he spends an inordinate amount of time trying to keep clean.

Clearly, he’s learned a few things, some of which he’s taught me and some of which I picked up  by watching him. In honor of Father’s Day, here’s a few things I learned from my father, who we affectionately refer to as “Pops”:

Work

• Don’t make the job more important than the reason for doing it.
• If you need to get the job done, sometimes you need to stay up all night to do it.
• If you enjoy doing the job, you won’t mind staying up all night.
• Don’t do a half-assed job, do it right so you can take pride in it.
• You need to have a good balance of working with both your hands and your head.
• Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty.
• Favorite saying: “Get it done or I will cloud up and rain all over you.”

Lifestyle

• Keep a clean house, don’t be a slob.
• Put if back where you got it from. (There’s a place for  everything and everything in its place.)
• Take good care of your stuff and it will last you a long time.
• Don’t walk around barefoot if you have toenails that look like claws. Cut the damn things.
• People will show you more respect  if you dress well.
• Life’s to short to wear uncomfortable clothing.
• You don’t need a bunch of fancy products to wash your car, all you need is a hose and a towel. Also, it helps to have kids to do it for you.
• Listen to music every day. Don’t listen to it too loud or you’ll lose your hearing. Once in a while is ok, though.
• Learn how to tell a joke and know a lot of good ones. A sense of humor is essential.
• So is an occasional stiff drink.
• Favorite saying: “Be careful.”

Children

• Trust that your child will come into the world with a loaf of bread under it’s arm.
• Teach them manners and to be respectful. It’s a reflection on you.
• You gotta keep your kids busy.
• Kids don’t need to get everything they want.
• Having kids is what you have to go through to get grandkids.
• Sometimes you have to  forgive or apologize  even if you don’t want to. Don’t let pride get in the way.
• Family is very important.
• Favorite saying: “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know.”

Dealing with People

• Most of the time you can get people to do what you want by being  pleasant, saying please, and winning them over with a smile.
• Sometimes, though, you have to yell really loud to get people moving.
• Many people are looking for someone to teach and guide them.
• When you meet a person, look them in the eye and shake their hand. Show good manners.
• Favorite saying:  ”Do you see milk dribbling out of the side of my mouth?”

Life’s Challenges

• Don’t let yourself get defeated by a problem. Ask yourself  ”How can I solve this problem?” There is always a solution. Get really good at solving problems.
• Use your imagination to deal with problems. Look around and ask yourself, “What resources are available to me that I can use to solve this quickly?” It might be some tape, a stick, some wire or it might be someone you can call.
• Sometimes, when your back is up against the wall, you must get mean.
• Prayer. Have faith that God will see you through.
• Favorite saying:  ”You don’t want people to say about you “He couldn’t fight his way out of wet paper bag.”

Good Advice

• Don’t take any wooden nickels.
• There are a lot of people walking around with their thumb up their butt and their finger in their ear. Don’t be one of those people.
• Pay attention!!
• Favorite saying: “The angle of the dangle is equal to the heat of the …” on second thought, let’s skip this one.
• Don’t let ‘em get to you.

Thanks Dad. And Happy Fathers Day to all Dads out there.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

Tman

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

 

How I Learned the Secret to Easily Connecting With People (Part 2)

In last week’s post I tell the story of  how I discovered that not everybody likes to be treated the way I like to be treated. In other words, everybody has their own style of communication, and figuring out what their style of communication is can help you connect with them more easily.

If you’re in a business that involves dealing with people (as are most businesses), then the more people you are able to connect with, the more successful you are going to be. In your personal life, I would suggest that you’ll have happier relationships if you can learn to quickly build mutual trust, understanding and harmony with others.

The word for this is rapport. You have rapport with someone when you feel that you are both “in sync” or “on the same wavelength”. We’ve all had the experience of meeting someone where we felt it didn’t click. We might have felt uncomfortable or even annoyed with this person; we didn’t feel like they “got” us. There was no rapport.

On the other hand, we’ve also had the experience of meeting someone who we immediately liked and felt comfortable with. We had a sense that they were like us, and that we shared a similar view of the world. We can say we had rapport with that person.

Most of my business experience has been in sales. My first sales jobs were door to door, selling books, first in San Jose, then in Virginia. When I started working in Virgina, it didn’t take me long to figure out that these were a whole different breed of folks from the ones in San Jose. The people in San Jose talked faster, and wanted to know right away why I was banging on their door. In southern Virginia, they talked a lot s-l-o-w-e-r and wanted to chat with me a bit longer before  ”gittin’ down to bidness”. I had to adjust my approach accordingly.

Think about how we instinctively try to create rapport in social situations. We begin by asking questions: What do you do, where are you from, etc. We look for common grounds (“what about those Lakers?”) and when we find them we capitalize on that information. (“Did you see that game? How about when…) Much of the rapport building we do is unconscious. We don’t know we are doing it, but we feel good when we have a sense that the other person likes us or that we trust them.

 However, there are techniques that you can use to consciously build rapport with others. Some of these are common sense, others are more in-depth,  falling under the subject of NLP. There are people who feel that using techniques to get people to like you and trust you is manipulative. Surely, there are those that use these techniques only to get what they want. However, let me suggest that  dealing with people in a way that makes them feel comfortable and that creates trust and harmony is simply a good philosophy.

Here’s a few tips for creating rapport easily in any business or personal situation.

• Listen. God gave you two ears and one mouth…Listening is truly a gift that is in short supply these days. You’ll go a long way just by learning to listen to people. Everybody wants to be listened to.
• Remember and use a person’s name. Dale Carnegie said “Remember that a person’s name is to him the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” The best way to remember a person’s name is to say it immediately after you hear it and then to continue to use it in conversation.
• Smile. A smile is a big sign that says “I am warm,  friendly and happy.” People will remember you if you have the habit of smiling.
• Look for common grounds. Seek to find common interests. Family, work, hobbies, education and place of origin are all subjects that people can have in common.
• Seek to be in agreement. It’s tough to establish rapport if you are disagreeing with someone. I’m not suggesting that you agree with something you feel strongly opposed to, but if you are interested in connecting with someone, unless they ask, keep your differing opinions to yourself.

These are all pretty basic things that most of us probably already know. Here are a few things that are more advanced that you’ll learn if you ever study NLP.

• Mirror body language. Very powerful, yet subtle. If you are with someone who uses a lot of hand gestures when they speak, you do the same thing. If they cross their legs, do that. Don’t make it so obvious that it’s apparent what you are doing, try to be discreet.
• Mirror their vocal tonality/speed. If I talk too fast to a southern Virginian, then I’m a “fast talkin’ city slicker”. If I talk too slow to someone from Manhattan, then I’m an “unsophisticated and boring”. Try to match the person’s vocal speed.  If they talk loud, you talk loud. If they are more soft-spoken, then you do the same.
• Use similar language patterns. If someone says to me, “That was really cool!” and I come back with “Indeed, I’m sure that was very nice”, that person is not going to want to talk to me for very long. See if you can notice phrases and  figures of speech that are being used and use them as well.
• Match their breathing. Most people aren’t even aware of this, but it’s one of the most powerful rapport building skills that you can have. Try it sometime and see what happens.  

There’s a few more advanced techniques that are too complex to go into here such as finding out a person’s representational system by observing their eye movements. As an Certified NLP Practitioner, I can help you hone the  skills you need to make friends, or  to influence and connect with people for business success. Mention this blog post and I’ll give you a free 45 minute coaching session the next time you come in for a hypnotherapy session.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

TMan

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

How I Learned the Secret to Easily Connecting with People (Part 1)

I always believed that you should treat people the way you would want to be treated. Many years ago something happened which made me reconsider the golden rule.

I was the general manager of a large sales organization. One evening shortly after everyone was back from their appointments, the boss called me in to his office.

“Ted, call an emergency sales meeting. Sales were terrible tonight. Get everyone in the training room and  go in there and grind them.” A grind was where the  boss yells at everyone telling them what a loser they are and that they had better start selling or they would be out of a job.  Surprisingly, this was not uncommon for many sales organizations of the “old school”. (Ever seen Glengarry Glen Ross? Check out Alec Baldwin’s performance on You Tube. Warning: not for the squeamish!)

I had never done a grind session. Being somewhat of a laid back, mellow sort of fellow, I really don’t like yelling at people, prefering to calmly resolve issues over a cup of green tea. Nevertheless, I had been given an order, so when all the salespeople were assembled, I went in there and did my best  to act upset, raising my voice, letting them know that the boss was furious and was getting ready to fire a whole lot of people, and you call yourselves salespeople?, and if you don’t get it together you’ll be searching the want ads,etc, etc.

Anyway, this one young women in the front row, Stacey, started talking back in the middle of my grind session. If there was anyone that was not going to cooperate and listen obediently while I ripped them a new one, it was going to be Stacey, who had a very strong personality and was know to be…well.. uncooperative. “The leads are junk! she snorted. “We should be doing this… and whaddya mean we should be doing that? You should be doing this, that and the other! And I think we should….”

For crying out loud! I was having a tough enough time doing this grind thing when someone had the impudence to make it even more difficult! I admit, I lost my temper for real and shouted at the top of my voice “Who do you think you are??!! If you don’t like it, get outta here! Don’t forget, YOU WORK FOR ME!! For effect I knocked over a chair.

You could’ve heard a pin drop. I noticed some guys in the back giving me the thumbs up signal. Stacy was quiet for once. I talked a little more then everyone went home. I felt bad, even ashamed. This was not me.

The next day, one of the thumbs up guys came up to me and said “About time someone put her in her place! She thinks she knows everything!” That didn’t make me feel any better. I really didn’t expect Stacey to come to work, but she did and headed right for my office. “Can I talk to you?” she asked. “Um, sure, come in”, I said, feeling a knot of anxiety in my stomach. At that time in my life, I did everything to avoid confrontation.

“I’m sorry I mouthed off to you. I really needed to be talked to like that. I know I’m not trying hard enough. I like this job. Thanks  for setting me straight.” 

I was almost speechless. “Um..no problem’ I stammered.

I thought about that exchange long  and hard. I had always felt Stacy didn’t respect me. Now she was thanking me for  “putting her in her place”.   And then it occured to me: that’s how Stacey wanted to be treated. She couldn’t respect anyone that was was diplomatic, tactful or easygoing; she saw that as wimpy. She liked and respected people just like herself: blunt, and strong. I had always believed that you should treat people the way you want to be treated.  I think a better philosophy is “Treat others the way they want to be treated.” This was a revelation to me.

I’m not suggesting that you should yell at people; just consider that how you like to be treated is not how others like to be treated. Figuring out what different people respond to allows you to connect with them on a level they’re comfortable with.

Later in life I learned a more elegent word for this:  ”rapport”. Dealing with people in a way that makes them feel that you are like them and that you get them. Having good rapport skills is the key to easily connecting with people.

Next week, I’ll talk about some really good tips to establish rapport and help you connect with other people easily.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

Tman

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612