Don’t Let Them In! Five Steps for Keeping the Mental Mischief Makers Away.

I hate to admit this to you, but when I was younger and much more foolish, I used to open my door to some pretty unsavory characters.

They weren’t even very likable, I just got comfortable having them around. They were familiar and I knew what to expect from them. I didn’t realize until much later how much hanging around with them was holding me back from what I knew I could be.

One day, there was a knock on the door while I was reading a book by the first self-development author I ever read, Dr. Wayne Dyer.  I opened the door to find  Cynicism,  someone I knew very well, standing there. I was dismayed to see that he had brought  Negativity with him, who I really despised, especially since he was always wearing that dumb “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt.

“Hey dude. It’s another crappy day. Perfect day for getting messed up”, Cynicism said. I noticed he had brought along a sixer of his favorite beverage, Notwieser Light.

I don’t know why, maybe it was the Dyer book, but I said “Sorry guys, not today”.

Negativity stepped forward and whined “Don’t be like that, homey! Let’s throw back a few and complain about the system!”

I hate being called homey. “No”, I said. “You guys get outta here. Now. I’m busy”

They shuffled off,  Cynicism grumbling “Thinks he’s too good now…”

I sat back down and felt weird. This was uncomfortable for me. I’ve always been a “nice” guy. I pretty much let in whoever wanted to come in and let them stay as long as they wanted. Right then, there was another knock at the door. I got up, irritated. I threw open the door expecting Negativity and Cynicism but instead, Possibility was standing there. I’d seen him a couple of times, but didn’t really know him too well. “Hey”, he said.”I thought I would drop by since I was in the neighborhood. Mind if I come in?’

“Sure”, I replied. “So tell me, what kept you from coming by before?”

“I’ve tried” he said.  ”But I make it a point not to hang out with those other two clowns who just left.”

Cynicism and Negativity still come by and knock , but most of the time I just don’t open the door and pretty soon they go away. The odd times that I do let them in because I’m too tired to say “Get lost”,  I make sure they don’t stay very long. I haven’t seen Resignation and Despair in a while. Fear must have a key but I’m in the process of changing the locks. More and more, I find myself entertaining Possibility, who is always welcome, along with Hope, Belief, and Courage. Needless to say, life is much better.

Here are five simple steps to keep those Mental Mischief Makers from messing with your mind.

• Stop Complaining. The MMMs are attracted to complaining like ants to sugar. They seem to have some special radar to help them find complainers. First they’ll allow  you to feel justified, then they’ll move in and take over the place.
• Plant gratitude outside your front door. You know how some animals will not come into your garden if you have the right herbs  planted to keep them from eating your veggies? Gratitude is repellent to Negativity and in large enough amounts does a great job of keeping the  other jokers away too.
• Take regular Inspiration Vacations. Read, hear, see things that inspire you. There’s no way that you will even hear those troublemakers knock if you’re involved in something that lifts you up and inspires you. Keep your mind in that place where your highest ideals reside.  
• Use Incantations. This is the magic that really acts like a spell to keep Negativity, Resignation, Fear, Cynicism, Doubt, and Despair away. Incantations are what you say to yourself to create what you want. Examples: I can do this, I have what it takes, I am up to this challenge, I am attracting money now, creativity flows through me. To make them really powerful, write them down and put them near a candle and light it. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Say these things a hundred times a day. Really.
• Always be up to something. If you are up to stuff, making stuff happen, dreaming, hoping, planning, taking action, then you will be too busy for these those pesky MMMs when they come to visit.  You’ll see them for what they are: a distraction and a diversion from making your unique contribution to life.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

TMan

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

Please Look Into My Eyes….

A number of years ago I did a self-development seminar called the Landmark Forum. It was a life changing experience for me but it’s  not for everyone.

One of the exercises we did during the seminar was to stand across from another person and look into their eyes for five minutes without saying anything. When the exercise was announced, I heard someone sitting behind me say ”What a stupid exercise. I look into people’s eyes all day long, I don’t need to pay to do it in a seminar.”

I’d never done this sort of exercise but I thought it might be interesting. Well, it was a lot more interesting than I thought.

I stood across from my parter in the exercise and looked into their eyes. Immediately, a conversation started in my head, and it went something like this:

 ”God, this is wierd, I don’t even know this person and now I’m staring into their eyes. This is a little embarrassing. I wonder what they think about me. Geez, I hope I don’t have any eye boogers. Should I smile? If I start to smile, but then I might start laughing. That wouldn’t be cool because they might think I was laughing at them. Now they’re smiling at me. What does that mean? How much time has passed? When do we break for lunch?”

Some people did start laughing,  little nervous laughs. Then some people started crying, one of whom was the woman who thought the exercise was stupid.

 The conversation in my head started to quiet down. I stopped thinking about me and started to think about them. What were they like? What did they do? I thought I saw some sadness in their eyes. What happened?

Then something very interesting happened. The conversation in my head stopped and I found myself with another human being. Not doing, not talking, just being with them. Without knowing any of the details of their life, I realized that I knew everything about them that I needed to know. I felt connected with them, and it felt comfortable, and, well, good. It was an incredibly powerful experience.

When the exercise was over, the woman who complained shared her experience with the group. She said “I wept because I realized I never look into anybody’s eyes. Even when I’m in front of someone, I’m never really with them.”

I’ve had the opportunity to do this exercise in workshops more than once and each time I’m blown away by the experience.  

It makes me aware that many of us, myself included, have the tendency to go through the day in a way that is closed off  and sealed tight. Eyes averted, face stiff and hard. “Let’s get this over with asap” we say with our body language. Sometimes at networking events, when I shake someone’s hand they’re not even looking at me.

We come into contact every day with so many people but often it’s no more personal or meaningful than getting a soda out of a vending machine. Sometimes I’m aware of talking with my children without even looking at them and the talking is automatic. “yes, oh, that’s nice, yeah, uh huh, ok…”

 It takes courage to look in someone’s eyes because to do that you must reveal yourself. You let the other person in a little. You let them “see” you.  This is can be  threatening.

 But when I remember to look into the eyes of another, then every contact is an opportunity for connection with another. You might think this would get exhausting, but the amazing thing is that it gives me energy, a feeling of lightness. I acknowledge them, and they, me.

When I stop what I’m doing and look into the eyes of my children, I become present to their innocence, their beauty and their incredible aliveness. And I get some of that for myself.

We’re all trying to feel better. Be happier. Trying to feel less isolated in the solitary but cramped spaces of our minds.

Try this just for today: look into the eyes of each person you come into contact with. See what comes up. Discomfort? Self consciousness?  Maybe you’re already good at connecting with people in this manner. If so, then notice how many people have trouble meeting your gaze.

If we could learn to look  into each other’s eyes with respect, acceptance and compassion, then we just might see the soul behind those windows. Then perhaps we would see each other for who we really are: vast, infinite, limitless and magnificent.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

Tman

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

Might Be The Hardest Thing You’ll Ever Learn

Chris Whitley, one of my favorite musical artists, does a cover of an old standard that I really like. The name of the song is “Nature Boy”.  (The video above is his version set to images of our soldiers serving overseas. It’s quite moving.) The last line of the song goes like this:

“The greatest thing
You’ll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return”

Loving, being loving, is not easy, and that’s an understatement. Being loved in return, being able to accept love, might be just as difficult for some.  But  to be able to fully love and be loved in return, you must learn what might be the most difficult thing you’ll ever learn, and that is to love yourself.

Mention “loving yourself ” in social conversation and you’ll either get snickers or an uncomfortable silence, depending on the company you keep.  The importance of self-love is  like an iceberg, immense, yet so hidden. To ask the question “Do I love myself?” cuts deep down to our very perception of who and what we are. If we even get an inkling about the extent of our own self acceptance and self-love, it’s usually due to the lack of it.

And it’s no wonder. Self loathing is such an  epidemic in our modern culture, it’s almost fashionable. The Flawed Hero or Anti-Hero is our current popular icon. Dr. House, Jason Bourne, Dexter, Jack Bauer. Even Spiderman’s a nerd.

Yet, the fact remains, and it’s indisputable. You can only love another and accept love to the extent that you love and accept yourself.

What keeps us from loving and accepting ourselves? Many things.  Negative conditioning from the past, resentments against ourselves for past failures,  negative conditioning from the culture at large. Watch the news. Violence, war, death, murder, betrayal, dishonesty, cheating, lying, greed. It’s hard not to come away with the belief that people are terrible, and since I am people, I must be terrible. Do you see the subliminal programming taking place here?

So what do we do? How do we overcome any dislike, judgement or even loathing  for ourselves? How do we learn to love and  accept ourselves for who we are as well as who we are not?

Start by separating who you are from what you do. Here’s the thing that makes it so very difficult. You cannot base your love and acceptance of yourself on what you do. In other words, you can’t say “I love myself because I do good things.” That’s called conditional love. “I’ll love myself as long as I do good things”, implies that if I do a bad thing, it all goes out the window. Other examples:

• I’ll love and accept myself as long as I’m winning.
• I’ll love and accept myself as long as I’m kind and generous.
• I’ll love and accept myself when I feel good about myself.
• I’ll love and accept myself when there is someone around to tell me they love me.
• I’ll love and accept myself when I ‘m doing it right, living up to my expectations, etc.

See the problem with these? Love and acceptance for yourself is not created in the conversation “I love and accept myself because of these reasons…” It comes out of the following conversation: 

“I love and accept myself for who I am: a being whose nature is to love, who is capable of love. I don’t need a reason to love and accept myself. I love myself because I choose to. Period.” Like I said, this may be the hardest thing you will ever learn. Sadly, many people never learn.

If I stand in the place of “I love and accept myself unconditionally”  then I have love to give and I am more aware of when I am not loving to others. I accept my humanity and the fact that I will screw up, make mistakes, hurt people. I can forgive myself, and thus,  have a greater capacity to forgive others. I see that when others are hurtful, petty and mean, that they are being challenged by their own self dislike, and then I can have compassion, because I have been there.

You might ask, “Should I love and accept myself if I am doing terrible things?”  I would suggest that if someone is doing terrible things they are doing it out of their own self loathing. If I have truly learned to love myself, then I honor myself.   To cheat you, to betray you, to inflict violence upon you, dishonors me, dishonors the highest ideal I hold for myself. That ideal is to be loving to all, starting with myself.

We will fall short of our ideal as humans do. Yet in my experience, it’s the inability to accept that we will fall short, and the judgement that results, that begins to extinguish the inner light of our own magnificence.

Keep your flame alive. Refuse to tear yourself down or beat yourself up. Forgive yourself or ask for forgiveness. Tell yourself  daily “I’m ok and doing the best I can.” Learn to love yourself and accept yourself while knowing that there is always room for improvement. The greatest things to learn are often the hardest.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

TMan

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

Life is Hard but That Doesn’t Mean That You Suck.

One day many years ago, I was packing up my clothes to move out of a house that I had been renting with a girlfriend. We were breaking up and  I was deeply depressed. This scenario had happened all too often in my life, another failed relationship. The effort it took to pack up my stuff felt crushing and immense. At one point I sat on my bed, despondent,  and unable to continue.

Just at that moment the phone rang. It was a healer, an older woman who I had been seeing for some physical problems. Hearing the anguish in my voice, she asked me what was wrong.  I told her and finished with a pleading and desperate question: “This is not the first time this has happened, what is wrong with me?”

She said, “There is nothing wrong with you, dear.  We all have certain challenges that we must deal with. Life is hard sometimes, but you’ll get through this.” I did get through it, and I moved into a happier and more peaceful place, both literally and emotionally.

Life is hard sometimes.  But here’s the important thing to remember: Just because life is hard doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you.

There is a book by David Richo called The Five Things We Cannot Change ( and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.)  The five things are:

1. Everything changes and ends.
2. Things do not always go according to plan.
3. Life is not always fair.
4. Pain is a part of life.
5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

So much insanity and deep unhappiness comes from believing  that life should be different from what it is. And when it doesn’t turn out  the way we think it should, it’s easy to feel that we are completely to blame.  We can be so invested in “doing it right” and ”looking good” that when we fall short of our own or other’s expectations we make it mean that there is something wrong with us, that we are no good, or that we are in need of fixing.

What does it mean when life is painful, when the plan falls apart, when people betray you? Well, first and foremost, it means you’re alive and probably human. It might also mean that there are things you need to learn. Better choices you need to make. More careful planning. Greater consideration about  who you decide to associate with. How do you learn this stuff? Well, mainly by screwing up. Life’s a joker, ain’t she?

I don’t feel too bad when my car breaks down and I’m unable to fix it on my own.  It’s not a skill I’ve acquired and I’m not really interested in learning.  But when the money is not coming in as fast as I want or need, the “I suck” conversation comes up pretty quick! But it doesn’t mean that I suck, it just means I need to learn more about creating wealth. I can be OK with that, and then make the choice to learn. But it’s hard to be OK with “I’m not earning what I think I should earn, so there must be something wrong with me”.

Once we accept that life is hard, once we accept and embrace the five things we cannot change, then the only question is “What am I going to do about it?” It’s a much better question than “What is wrong with me?” or “Why is this happening to me?”

Of course, you can always answer the question “What am I going to do about it?’ with “Nothing! That’s why I suck!” or I don’t know how.., I can’t.., I’m afraid..,It’s too hard… But these responses are not very empowering.

Let me suggest some powerful responses to the question “What am I going to do about it?” when life gets hard. 

• I’ll do what I can do.
• I can’t do anything, so I’ll accept that this is going to be tough and I’ll just get tougher.
• I can’t do anything, so I’ll just have myself a good cry and carry on.
• Nothing. I choose powerfully to do nothing until I choose to do something. I’m willing to accept the consequences of doing nothing.
• Who can I ask for help?
• How can I learn to deal with this effectively?
• A challenge! Cool. I love challenges.
• What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.
• Life is getting hard. Interesting. I’ll use this experience to: write my blog/song/book/paint my masterpiece/help other people going through what I’m going through. 
• Are you kidding? I’m a frickin’ Master of the Universe! These puny challenges are nothing compared to the stuff that’s going to come up when I really get rolling.

Life will be hard sometimes regardless of what you believe about yourself. However, if deep down inside you carry the belief that you are up to dealing with life when it gets hard, then you can turn “Life is hard” into “That’s life”.

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

TMan

p.s. If you’re stuck out on the limb of “life is hard/there’s something wrong with me”, give me a call and I’ll talk you down with a free half hour phone coaching session.  (This is in line with the powerful response “Who can I ask for help?”) This offer is for the first five people who call or email.

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612

How To Use Your Dreams to Let Go of Blocks

One time many years ago I awoke from a most interesting dream. The dream involved a romantic relationship that had ended several months earlier. In the dream, I was on a trip with this person. We were having a wonderful time. In the dream, it felt very natural to be with the person, when in fact, in reality, I had never felt completely comfortable.

When I awoke, I felt that the dream was a sign that I should contact this person again. I called her, but the number was disconnected. (I knew she had been thinking about moving.) Instead of feeling disappointed, I was relieved. I realized that in spite of my dream, I really had no desire to ever speak to this person again.

Years later, while in training to be a hypnotherapist, I realized that this dream had been what is called a “venting dream”. These types of dreams happen in the early mornings which is why it’s easy to remember them. In these dreams, the mind releases what is no longer relevant to your life. In my dream, I was letting go of the attachment I had to this relationship; my mind was ready to move forward.

Think of the mind like a clam that is tightly closed, not allowing anything in or out. When a person is in hypnosis, this clam opens slightly which allows a hypnotherapist to give the client suggestions that are able to get into the mind.  Since these suggestions will be in line with what the client wants, they might be at odds with what is already in the client’s mind. They will be irritants to the “clam”.

For example, take the suggestion “You are confident and feel good about your ability to communicate with people”. If this suggestion is given to a client that does not feel confident and doubts their ability to communicate with people, then there will be a conflict between what is suggested and what has been the client’s experience. However,  suppose the client  comes back for more sessions and gets the same suggestion again. Or listens everyday to the recording of the hypnosis part of the session. (I give my clients a recording of the hypnosis part of each session.) Soon, the new suggestion becomes more comfortable to the “clam” and the old way of being now becomes the irritant. In the venting dreams, the “clam” will open up and release the old belief that involves lack of confidence and doubts about the ability to communicate. In with the good, out with the bad.

At the end of most  hypnotherapy sessions  that I have with clients, I give them a suggestion that they will vent out in their early morning dreams what is holding them back from what they want. I’ll have them write their dreams down and this way we can see how they are responding to the suggestions given in hypnotherapy.

How can you use this to let go of whatever is blocking you or holding you back from success? Try this:

• Identify a problem in your life that is keeping you from what you want to have, do or be. For example, let’s say you are a salesperson and you are afraid to make phone calls to prospects to make appointments.
• The problem is fear. So before you go to bed, handwrite out two sentences. One which is an affirmation of what you want to do, and the other, a suggestion that you will vent out or release what is holding you back. For example: “I am easily making many phone calls each day that result in appointments with prospects that will increase my sales.” Say this out loud a couple of times. Then write this: “Tonight in my dreams I will vent out and release the fear of calling prospects.”
• Keep some paper or a journal next to your bed. If you persist with the exercise described above, you should start to remember more of your dreams. Write them down as soon as you wake up.

You may have a dream that goes something like this: you call a prospect on the phone and the prospect yells at you and tells you not to call anymore. You call and call and everyone tells you the same thing. You  end up losing your sales job.

This dream would suggest that you are letting go of the fear of making the calls. You will begin to find that calling prospects becomes less and less scary.

This is a simple tool that you can use that can be really effective. However, for best results, make sure you are taking other actions as well to move forward in the area that your are working on.

Sweet Dreams!

If you liked this post, please leave a comment and/or share it with your social networks.  

Tman

 Ted A. Moreno

Personal/Small Business Coach

Certified Hypnotherapist

Specializing in Your Success

www.TedMoreno.com                                                                       

 (626) 826-0612